Hi Jen,

How have things been on your side of the world? Well I hope. We haven’t spoken in over three weeks. And not a day goes by when I don’t wonder how your are- how are things. I also tend to wonder what’s happened to our friendship. Its been a long two years since things started going awry between us, and  I’m trying to understand what went wrong. How did this happen?

Now is not the time to point fingers, you did this and I did that. I guess it’s too late for that really. I don’t feel it will achieve much- accept maby to hurt feelings even more. What I’m trying to understand mainly how this happened. What was the  catalyst and then the final straw. Were we inevitably headed here, or did circumstance conspire to lead our friendship down this path. That’s almost absolves both of us of any responsibility, and wouldn’t that be nice. I didn’t do anything and neither did you, we simply drifted apart. That would be the easiest I think, but I’ve tried it on for size and it simply doesn’t  gell. I cant lie to myself- even to make it more palatable.

So what am I asking of you- answers (oh no- been down that road before- and well- I don’t think you have the answers), sympathy (not really) understanding (too late for that) forgiveness (that’s an admission of guilt). What I’d truelly like, is for you to simply give this some thought. Take some time out and think about what’s happened between with our friendship. Take some time to understand. I’d like to learn from this, but in order to learn, you have to share your thoughts with me, your experience. What happened to you? Most if what I know, is my perception of this. Its neither right nor wrong, just subjective. You haven’t shared much with me these last two years, and so I only have my own experience to go on.

Its been really hard for me, these last two years. So many things have changed in my life, and I never really thought of it as changing away from you- just changing. And somewhere along the way, we just weren’t in that place anymore. I try to cast my mind back to what it could have been- and I struggle to pinpoint anything. What was it Jen? Do you know?

My earliest recollection- was when you went to the movies with Russ. You didn’t invite me. And it had been so long since we had spent any time together. You didn’t seem to want to do much with me. And then there was Kevin. You dated him briefly, and I thought how great that was, my best friend with my other best friend. But it didn’t work out- you sudeenly took a very strange disliking to him. And I was loyal to you. Did that count for anything. It made my friendship with him slightly awckward, but that didn’t matter to you did it. And then the new job- was it the stress. And then Kurt. And that was the proverbial straw. I went through such a hard time after Colwyn and you never said anything. You just sat by and watched. Were you helpless or just didn’t care. It seemed to me like you just didn’t care. When I needed you the most, you failed me. And this is my fault how. Oh I’m sorry you didn’t know how to deal with me I was miserable. I wasn’t simply miserable Jen, I was falling apart. My life as I knew it was ending. And every fucking day was a battle to maintain my sanity. The last thing I needed was you abandoning me too- and that’s what you did. You asked me what do I want from you- just like Colwyn did, well guess what- I wanted you to be a friend. And you made it seem like I was making ridiculous demands on you. I mean really how do friends require this of you. Ok fine then, we clearly don’t view friendship in the same way. You don’t like weak demanding people. So that made me weak and demanding. And that’s what I’m struggling with- that you suddenly  withdrew from me when I really needed someone the most. So what do you suggest Jen. Did you withdraw because I’m weak and demanding or because you cant handle emotion. I have  feeling it’s the latter. And that means that we’re not meant to be- at least not or now. I need to let this go- I need to let you go. I’lll grieve, I already am. And it hurts like hell. I feel like a failure, but why. How did I make this relationship fail- Reeza says its because I have unrealistic expecations. I don’t belive that. But still I feel like a failure. You changed, I changed, and still I feel like a failure. Like I somehow didn’t live up to your expectations- like I somehow disappointed you.

AND STILL I FEEL LIKE THE FAILURE: and you know what- you are right. Its not your problem. This is something I need to deal with. From my side. The friendship is over. You let it go. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to face the pain again. The self blame. The what did I do wrong- why don’t you want to be my friend- that inner child wails. What’s wrong with me. And that poor little inner child is hurting so bad because you just walked away. My inner child is reeling from this.

Is it fair to lay this on you. What do I expect to gain from this? My intention is not to manipulate you into an apology. I simply want to stimulate some thought on your side. What truelly horrifies me about some of the changes in you I’ve seen is this innate selfishness. Is it a defense mechanism- or have you really been selfish. Just think about it Jen. You have to let those emotions go.

I’m sad- I’ve lost a friend. I feel lost. I fear that I’ve been a bad friend. I fear that I’ll never find new friends. But I need to move on. We have already-

What happened to us? I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of getting no recognition and response. Does that make me selfish. I don’t think so. If I didn’t have any expectations it would make me foolish. If I get giving and giving and had no desires in return, how would I know when my need aren’t met. How would I know when to call it quits and walk away? I think that happens to be right now.

Is Quiche Romantic,

I want to wake up beside you and stare at beautiful dawn. I want to wake up an look into your eyes and see love reflected back at me.

I wake up next to you and you reach out an cuddle me. Stroke me and I stroke you and I like waking up next to you. So I get, not what I want always, but I get none-the-less. Its funny sometimes, how I have to make concessions. Sometimes it feels so unfair- sometimes I feel like I’m giving more than I’m getting. Where does that come from. That I don’t want to appear like the stupid woman who gave and gave and gave. Same as you, not wanting to appear as the silly man who gave and gave. But we have to give something, somewhere, sometime. Its hard I know, because its hard for me. I also don’t want to over invests. And be the grandest looser- god why does it have to be so hard. Is this because the things we most want are difficult. Is that a good sign- a relationship, not fraught with bad times, but requiring so much effort. What do you mean when you say I’m dangerous- to you? Is that a good thing or a bad thing. Do you fear me, what you may feel for me. How much do you fear- enough to not take the risk? Why? Who hurt you so much- and can you look beyond that shadow. Someone hurt me badly and I’m trying to get over it so that I can hopefully give someone else a chance. I’m trying so that I can hopefully have a future with someone else. Maby that some one isn’t you- I don’t know right now. But I would like the chance to figure it out sometime you know. Can you give me that chance- do I already have that chance but I’m not aware of it. Or is this futile. If so will I pursue it- will I try to change your mind. Is it fair to expect me to accept those conditions? Is it? Would you set them for yourself? Would you? Have you ever- what’s the story? The whole story.

How was dinner- did you miss me- my presence- did you think of me- did you wonder where I am- what I’m doing- did you  miss me when you climbed into bed- did you reach out for me. I went out- I thought about you- I wished you were there- I climbed into bed- I didn’t  miss you- your presence- your arms- sigh- I didn’t miss you then.

You’ll be gone for three weeks. Will I miss you will I forget about you. Will I just move on- no harm done. Will you miss me- will you yearn for me- I wonder- sigh- time will tell. Perhaps I should focus on how I feel. Perhaps that’s the way forward- perhaps- sigh-

Just what are you- to- me- just what are you to me. My salvation, my release, my nothing, my everything, my challenge, role model, guinea pig? Am I testing me, you, us?

If  I could meet me a few years, months, days from now, what would future me teach me. Persevere, stick through it, its going to be ok- for better or for worse (no pun intended)- would you be there, would be far away- would I have touched your life, you have already touched mine. But I wonder if I’ll be like the mysterious woman in the picture in your side drawer. You’ve looked at them, the order was reversed- the blonde was on top- then the brunet. How often do you look at them, how often do you look at her- may I ask why? Where does this leave me? I remember the picture-  it was awkward- you kind of looked at it-   moved on so swiftly- the shock registered briefly and then you moved on- especially after explaining who everyone else was, but her? Why? I know that if I went through pictures and an ex appeared, I would pass through, I would also try to gloss over it. Was it the shock of being in that situation, current vs ex, past meets present. What does that mean for me, accept that you still look at her pictures at least since last week. And so you go back- to her? Is she why you left? Will you share this with me. What rights over you did she have. Did she call anytime she wanted too. Did she feel like she had  some right to your time- did she feel like she could pop around anytime me she wanted. Or did she also face this odd situation- the one I find myself in. Don’t I call because I feel you don’t want me to bother you, or because I have this fear that you wont answer- or call back.

It all boils down to me not knowing where I stand with you. It’s a reality that we have history, but its also hard to ignore that other person- especially when I really cant read you. Where oh where do I stand. Sure we’re monogamous, that’s more of a value system than a commitment to the other person. Well for me it is. I fucked the psychotic divorcee, but was still monogamous- he didn’t  require this from me- I gave it because it’s me, sexual monogamy doesn’t really mean much- where is your mind?

So I dont really want to bore anyone with this rather abitrary entry, but hey its on my mind. I'm seeing this guy at the moment. The 'relationship' is very young, and we're in the getting to know each other stage. To cut a reaeaaallllllll long story short, I've had two rediculous relationships this year. So yeah, this guy was a nice change. Perfectly normal, well as normal as can be. Only thing is that he suffers from the typical British reserve. He phoned me last night to ask what the plural for quiche is!

sigh